Saturday, January 06, 2007

The Eye Wit's Prophecies for 2007

What can you say about 2006.... you know, that doesn't include a lot of profanity?

You'd expect that 2007 will just have to be better.

Well, not necessarily. We said the same about 2006, remember.

Here, then, are the most definitive prophecies that any will come out with for this year.

By the way, ANYONE can make "predictions"; no, I shall vent forth these visions of the future as prophecies, for I am that sure. I ask one favor in return: That when each of these events comes to pass, that you dip your head slightly, and in a quavering voice say "As foretold by prophecy." It's not such a big favor for you to do for me, and I guarantee that you'll confound, befusticate and annoy all the people around you. Therefore, there's something in it for you, too. Trust me, I've been annoying people for years & know whereof I speak.

Doubt me all you want. The truth is the truth, so you can't have an opinion about it.

The United Nations will hardly be heard from. The main reason is the same as always: They don't actually do that much. Now they have the additional handicap of a new Secretary-General who doesn't have a funny name.

Generals Grant & Lee will rise from the dead to finally get it into the Administration's head that there IS a civil war going on in Iraq. Thousands of re-enactors will be overcome with emotion and will enlist. Rumsfeld will be posthumously raked over the coals for never having thought of that.

Reality TV Shows will get so pervasive and out-of-hand, that even Jerry Springer's show will start mocking them. In April, all of them will be knocked off the air for two months due to strikes by their writers & actors.... or did you think any of them were REALLY real?

The Chicago Cubs will not win the World Series. A complete "gimme", you say? Well, it's not so much that they won't make it as it is how they won't make it. The key event will be a pajama party at Mark DeRosa's house, which will end in disaster. The entire pitching staff will get into a jealous snit and stop speaking to one another after arguing about who "throws more balls to guys when holding their bats"; all three catchers will catch mono from Felix "Eat Me" Pie; and two utility infielders will die from blood poisoning brought on by having their ears pierced with a rusty spork.

Historians will languish in the recent, shocking discovery that in comparison with George Bush, Gerald Ford was a brilliant president, compelling leader, and one sexy hipster.

House Republicans will try to come up with some sort of mocking moniker to pin onto the new Speaker, but fail utterly because nothing rhymes with "Pelosi" except "Lugosi", and nobody will mess with the critical "creature feature" demographic.

The Pope will be in even hotter water than he was with the Muslims when it becomes generally known what the title of his previous job ("Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith") used to be: The Grand Inquisitor.

No, I'm not making that up, though I knew, KNEW that you'd question me over it, you foul apostates!

Prince Charles will be arrested for serial bestiality. In consolation, he'll get that eye surgery he so desperately needs. Too late, Chuckles, you already married it. Still, Camilla seems like Oprah when compared to that uptight bitch, the Queen.

Speaking of which, have you noticed the stark resemblance between Camilla and Martha Stewart?

Senator Barack Obama will continue to play the "come here, come here, oh get away, get away" game about running for president, but will run. He'll make his formal announcement on the May 6th broadcast of "Iron Chef". Wok-a-wok-a-wok-a!

I am SO sorry about that last comment....

Gay marriage will become legal (via interpretation of their constitutions) in two more states. However, the movement will suffer from a plague of self-doubt when new studies will show that gay couples can't possibly keep up with the levels of divorce & failed marriages among heterosexuals. Heterosexuals will be angered to find out that gay people are actually much better at being married than they are.

Tony Blair will be getting a new desk at 10 Downing Street. He's worn the old one out from bending over it so many times.

Al Qaeda will become hopelessly confused when they try to figure out why New York City is apparently more concerned about trans fats than they are about Al Qaeda. They'll be in such a dither that they just won't get anything done.... well, except to keep up the training bases in Iraq that weren't there before we invaded.

The Episcopal Church will splinter even further, this time over a seemingly irreconcilable argument over what constitutes "beige" and what is really "ecru".

A Rolling Stones Tour will be cut short when, while playing before an audience in Cleveland, Mick Jagger takes a trip, slips, flips, busts his lips and breaks his hip. Even Mick draws the line at going out on stage with a walker.

Neo-Pharisee Pat Robertson will go one step too far, and offend huge numbers of people dedicated to the worship of a different God: Football. It'll be the spearhead (how ironic) of his latest crusade against gay people. "Every time something goes good, they start slapping each others' fannies. We cannot tolerate them indoctrinating our children with the idea that whenever something goes well, you head straight for a guy's ass."

In the world of movie sequels, Rocky Balboa will die at the box office. Literally. The movie is so bad, Stallone will be the only one buying tickets, and he'll die from choking on stale popcorn that was, ironically, popped in the same year that the original Rocky came out. Following the success of Snakes on a Plane, there will be innumerable knock-offs, including Walking Catfish on a Plane. Sure, it doesn't sound scary.... until they get their fins on the secret shipment of nuclear-powered Segways in the cargo hold! Elks on a Plane will sound more adventurous, until the public discovers that they don't care if a lodge-full of old accountants and insurance agents bite it.

Canada will continue to be a pretty quiet place (unless you live in Quebec) and its government will do nothing of note in 2007. Therefore, millions of Americans will emigrate there.

The Dixie Chicks will overcome their previous public relations problem; remember, when they said they were ashamed to be from the state that gave us George Bush. Their single "We Told You He's an Ass, Don't Come Crying to Us Now" will hit number one on all the charts.

Steve Guttenberg's career, if you can call it that, will hit a new low. The only job he'll be able to get will be as Joan Rivers' underpaid gigolo, proving that he really will do absolutely anything for a dollar. 'Cause nobody else is "going there".

Hummus will continue to be popular with many for its health benefits, but since it's Arabic in origin, the Congressional cafeteria will re-name it "Freedom Monkey-poo".

Saddam Hussein will get some good news: He's been granted a new trial. He'll have to "re-flower" all the virgins & give them back first, though.

And in the waning moments of 2007, with 2008 fast approaching, we'll all have the distinct feeling of just having had some sort of sexual encounter. Not that we'll all be "getting lucky" that evening; it's just that we'll realize that as far as 2007 went, we all got royally screwed. Again.

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