Friday, August 11, 2006

YO! AL! AL GORE!!


You were late, man, that's all I can say.


I haven't seen An Inconvenient Truth, but I plan to. Honest. And you don't have to convince me about global warming; I have a scientific background hidden in my past, and the evidence speaks for itself. I'm not saying that you shouldn't speak it.... I merely observe that you're not always the most electrifying speaker. No offense.

But, I'm still going to have to blame you for what just happened.

You see, I had a draft of another story that I was going to post here; it was saved on the Blogger and about halfway finished. Well, I'd opened the file up, intending to finish it, as I'm in a really snide mood. Finish it I did! But, do you see it here? DO you? No! And I'll tell you why:

Before I could hit the "publish" button, we had a momentary power failure. Since my computer went dead for that moment, Blogger assumed that I meant to log off and abandon my copy. It then deleted it, smugly assuming that it was a job well done. It's programmed to feel smug. Why? Because Microsoft wrote the program. Giving me another of my frequent opportunities to say "Bill Gates can bite me!" By the way, in case you missed it, Microsoft released ten, that's TEN criticial security updates for Windows & accessories yesterday. To you, I advise going to your "Windows Update" through your Control Panel, and installing them. Chances are really good that nobody notified you that there were ten, TEN new critical flaws in a program released four or so years ago. It's called "Beta Testing", Gates, look into it. Because we're looking into something called a "class action lawsuit". Officially, however, I am now inclined, nay, required to issue the clarion call, one for each of your latest screw-ups:

Bill Gates can bite me! Bill Gates can bite me! Bill Gates can bite me!
Bill Gates can bite me! Bill Gates can bite me! Bill Gates can bite me!
Bill Gates can bite me! Bill Gates can bite me! Bill Gates can bite me!
Bill Gates can frigging well bite me! !

But, I digress.

Al, if you'd managed to drum up more of this actual personality you seem to have developed a little earlier, then people would have paid more attention to global warming. We might then have begun efforts to reduce those foul gases that are heating up our planet. Incidentally, I've been meaning to ask, so while I have my hands around your throat (literarily speaking, of course): We know that cattle emit huge amounts of methane, which is one of the worst of the greenhouse gases. Two words, Al: Bovine Beano. I'll watch my mail for the check.

Anyway, we're in the middle of this national heat wave, and you and I both know that it's no coincidence. People are running their air conditioners overtime. This uses a LOT of electricity. This usage causes things like blackouts. Brownouts. Momentary power failures!! Before you say that it's probably people in my immediate area that are at fault, here's some news: It's 12:37 a.m., not the hottest part of the day, and we're not at peak usage. Take it like a man, Gore, it's your fault.

Because you were so wooden, nobody listened sooner. It was like being talked to by the trees, but they wouldn't listen to you (Clint Eastwood can bite me, too! Even though only about three people are going to get that reference). Now we have blistering temperatures, record demand for electricity, gas is $3.00 a gallon, people wasted huge amounts of energy recklessly for things that might have been prevented, like The Dukes of Hazzard movie.

Which reminds me.... you know what else is using up a lot of juice right now? Movie projectors. Movie projectors being used to show your movie. The movie that you put into circulation too late, too tragically late to save the rest of my story.

Damn your eyes!

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2 comments:

Rick k said...

Come on, you live in the suburbs for the lightning capital of the world. I would have figure you, of all people, would have a battery backup/surge protector hooked in (like I do)by now. BTW, it came in real handy durn the party that Frances, Jeanne, Ivan and Charlie crashed. The computer stayed up the whole time, even when we had those "flickers" and we never lost the cable.

The Eye Wit said...

Well, there you have a point; I have excellent surge protection, but not backup power ("Scotty, we need more power!" "I'm giving her all she's got Captain, but with gas prices at $3.00 a gallon...."). I DO have a generator, but must budget for one of them jiggery-pokery things you're talking about. Cheap ones, of course, ain't no good, one must purchase one of quality, with fine Corinthian leather. Hmmmm.... what kind of wine goes with "battery backup"? This question leads me to a whole other scenario that is in highly questionable taste. Must save it for a post!