Sunday, August 20, 2006

Spell Check? Check. Intelligence Check? Hello??

It used to be that newspapers had these people called "editors".
Oh, they still do; but they don't do the same things anymore. This gives them all the more time to make the staff miserable. One of the things that they don't do anymore is read the copy to make sure that it doesn't come across as stupidly as your average Congressional hearing. Sure, that's a tall order, but not as tall as the first example I'll give. Allow me to explain....

Every Friday, our paper generously allows people to post an ad on a special page in the Local section (it's not formatted like classified ads) if they have something they want to sell for $300 or less. (Timmy, this does not include people. Leave your sister alone! You and that loud-mouthed dog of yours....). They let these people write their own ads, and post them "as is". I'm starting to wonder if maybe this page is actually for entertainment rather than commerce.

I swear, I'm not making any of these up. "Reality" has become such a parody of itself, it can be awfully hard to find hyperbole that goes far enough.

Pet door; 8 ft. tall, never used, $80 - What the hell kind of a pet needs an eight-foot-tall door?! MY doors aren't even eight feet tall. I'm betting it's part of an estate sale. Because the animal was so big, it never got out the door. Neither did the owner, at least in an undigested form.

Thumb piano; carved hummingbirds $100 - I wouldn't worry so much, except that there's a semicolon between the two items. Still, you have to be impressed with someone who can find a way to carve a hummingbird. Where the hell is PETA in all this? Oh, spotted owls, fine, but screw the hummingbirds! On another tangent, I'd pay $100 to see a guy screw a hummingbird, PETA or no PETA.

I hope whatever that thing is that needs an eight-foot pet door is housebroken. And how big would the litter box have to be? You couldn't use that fancy "clumping" litter that supposedly absorbs & kills the smell immediately. One, where are you going to find a scoop that big? Two, it doesn't matter, because that load is going to be too heavy to lift, anyway.

Golf clubs; T-Rex driver, graphite shafts - Say.... maybe the pet was a T-Rex, and this item is supposed to be used to herd the thing to where you want it to go. Such as going through the 8 foot pet door, or heading to the litter box before it's too late. I don't think graphite is up to that. I'm betting this is from an estate sale, too.

Man.... if the eight-foot-tall-door-needing pet, whatever it may be, isn't housebroken, what are you supposed to do about it? It's not like you'd have the upper hand and could coerce the thing. "No, no, that's fine. Really, I don't mind; it's (gag) lovely, I wouldn't dream of moving it. The genuine Persian rug dating back to the reign of Xerxes? Yes, uh, that's exactly what it needed."

Oxygen tank; breathing type, portable, gauges, carrying case, like new - Uh, if it's "like new", it sounds like it might not work all that well. Somebody who was recently using it is now swutting well dead. Baaaad karma. And no, it won't help you get the smell out of the Persian rug.

Windsurfing sail; Neilpryde 7.0, w/ bag, clear, nearly new - Huh?? Well, the shark attacks have been pretty bad this year.... I guess the reason it didn't swallow the sail along with the board and rider is that it's clear and it didn't see it.

Land shark? Nah, couldn't be.

Marlboro miles; 1000 count, $.03 cents ea. - Yet another estate sale? Smoking enough Marlboros to collect 1000 miles is walking the road straight to lung cancer, my friend. Or, maybe the late smoker decided to switch brands and walk the 1000 miles for a camel instead. I try to stay away from asking about peoples sex fetishes. Also, if you're interested, stick it to them on the price. $.03" makes the addition of "cents" redundant, doesn't it? But.... taken literally, that's $30 instead of $300, and dammit, that's how they listed it! Now you can get those azalea seeds you've had your eye on!

Go ahead.... Tell your gargantuan pet that it can't smoke in the house. You know, like most houses, my ceilings are only eight feet high. To put a pet door that size in, you'd have to knock out a big section of an exterior wall. That's a pretty major piece of remodeling. "Adding on a new room?" asks Phil. "Nah, it's just a pet door." "Oh." Phil is fairly dense, and gets halfway back home before he thinks about it. "No," he thinks, "he must've meant something else." Naively, Phil visits on the day the "pet" is brought home. Maybe Phil is its first meal, and maybe it's what's left of Phil that's dissolving your Persian rug.

Day bed; blue frame, accepts twin-sized mattress - It doesn't come with a mattress? Well, it's not much of a bed, then, is it, no matter what time it is. Just as well; how much sleep are you going to get with "Spot" roaming around the house?

Fan; lavender, w/ 4 blades - A lavender fan?? Ah, that would go perfectly with-- a lavender fan wouldn't go with anything! But, if "Spot" likes it, be glad that it's only ten bucks. Hang it in the room with the desecrated rug, but I don't think it's going to help.

Cookbooks; never used, Grande Diplome, 24 book set - Oh, right.... how are you supposed to tell that they've never been used? Anyone out there have the knack of being able to tell if a page is a "virgin"? It was close by, and I was curious enough to go investigate. They are so lying. Half of the pages are stuck together, that's all I'm saying.

Hey, I'll bet we've finally discovered an animal that Purina doesn't make a Chow for!

First Harley Davidson Hallmark ornament; "Heritage Springer", never used, 3 available, $25.00 ea. - Nothing says "Christmas" to me more than "Harley-Davidson"! This is great! Now I finally have the last figurine for my Nativity scene.

LOOKING FOR LOVE? Cat depot to the rescue! - Shouldn't this be in the "Personals" section? Besides, why the code? If you're looking for a woman to have sex with, just come out and say so. If she's a blonde, she may not catch the reference to a certain word that you can use instead of "cat"; that's a different animal altogether. Both carnivores, though.

Good God! What do you do when "Spot" goes into heat?? You know that you're going to have to find a way to deal with it, because there's not a vet in the world that would try to neuter that thing. However, perhaps you should get neutered. If you're stupid enough to buy a pet that needs an eight-foot-tall pet door, we want you out of the gene pool, NOW!!

2 lots w/caskets in Gulf Pines Memorial Pk in Englewood - Let me get this straight: You have to go out to Gulf Pines, dig up the caskets, put the deceased in the caskets, and then bury them again?? Actually, there's someone I'd recommend take the deal: the families of Spot's owner, and Phil. Seriously, the smell is going to make you want to jackhammer their remains off the Persian rug, and bury them as soon as possible.

As for the carpet, which will never be rid of the stain and the corrosive smell? I hear that the Oval Office could use a new rug....

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