Saturday, July 29, 2006

Don't Snake the Feed of the Bite That Hands You

(This started out as an innocent piece of commentary on a friend's blog. As my tales usually do, it got out of hand, and I felt compelled to post it here. Because you guys need to read something funny, before any of that "reality" stuff catches up to you)

The Eye Wit here....

Reminding you to go and read MY blog, I'll get motivated to write more entries if more of you stop by. Especially you, and you know I'm talking to you especially.

Now, on MY blog, there's a link to this one. Is there a link here to MINE? Nope.... don't see one.... great. And I'm all out of self-esteem pills. I tend to use a lot of them up in the morning, when I'm reading the newspaper. Sorry, not the Montgomery Advertiser, gang. I don't live anywhere near Montgomery, so I have a limited interest in what's being advertised there. No offense.

(For crying out loud, Mariann, I'll tell you how to code it in.... unless.... unless you don't WANT a link to me here.... and I.... and I.... DAMMIT! Another davenport ruined!) (PS - the link to HER blog is in the right-hand column. For NOW....)

But, I digress.

We had eight snakes ourselves at one point, three different species. We are inquisitive people; we got to know about snakes. On the Letterman segment Mariann thinks she remembers (don't tell her), they had a variety of king snake. These are beneficial (they eat rodents) and harmless to humans. THIS variety mimics the look of a coral snake quite well. This, and the difference between the two (easy if you take five minutes away from eating that stale Pop-Tart and look it up), is especially good to know about around here; we have both the sartorially-clever king snake AND coral snakes, which are extremely deadly and will kill you a lot. If you get bitten by a coral snake, it will be useless to tell it "Blast it all, why couldn't you have been the harmless king snake?" This is stupid for two principal reasons: One, you're going to die really soon, and stopping to have a conversation isn't a good idea. Two, snakes don't have ears! I know this, because I know snakes. Not in the Biblical way, but we're pals.

This lengthy introduction leads me to MY complaint about this film, which I won't have to go see in order to know what's going to happen. The snakes are fakes, baby! That's right, they're playing you & your somewhat-appropriate gut-level-piss-someone-else's-pants fear of snakes. Trust me: there are NO poisonous snakes in that movie. Eh, maybe a couple for close-ups, but those will have had their venom sacs removed and forced to register to vote as Republicans. No, what you're going to see are a bunch of constrictor snakes. In plainer terms, these are snakes that stun, coil around their prey, then suffocate or otherwise make it into "collateral damage" by squeezing it. It then unhinges its jaws and swallows something that can be three times its own diameter, which is damned impressive to watch. Even more impressive was the time my parents were visiting, and I cornered my mother into watching one of our corn snakes smite and devour a gerbil. Priceless beyond the mightiest dreams of MasterCard commercials. However, the ball pythons, the rat snakes, the boas from South America, the various tree snakes that they're going to show "killing off" the passengers (the nice guy with the handicapped wife and 12 children to support dies first) aren't very dangerous. A lot of them don't even have teeth; they have ridges of cartilage. Yeah, they make a quick snap at you, it leaves a mark, and the bigger ones will draw blood because they're quite strong; constrictor snakes are deceptive in that regard. They're muscled in layers that overlap & criss-cross each other. This is why they can force their way into your pants whether you like it or not. Why? You'll find out in a minute. In the meantime, just think about that slimy, gooey bastard invading your nether regions and....

That's a myth, too. Snakes aren't slimy; they're smooth and dry. Now, those Republicans I mentioned before? Yes, THEY are slimy and gooey. Hey, don't look at me like that! I'm an Independent, I don't support those creeps, not nor the Democrats, neither (who are damp & squishy). By the way, don't use metaphors that compare politicians to snakes. That really hurts a snake's feelings. If you've never tried to force-feed a boa constrictor Prozac, just take my word for it that it isn't very stimulating. At least, not any kind of stimulation that you like.

(Hell, this is already long enough, I'm going to put a copy on my blog which more of you would read if only.... if only....)

Where was I? Oh, yes. Now, you can get various bacterial infections from such a wound, so it's best to have it seen to by medical pros. I only know of one person that's ever happened to, but he got very sick. Oh, dear, the poor woman who's screaming has a fiendish, devilish BALL PYTHON around her neck! AAAAGGHH! Bullshit! Ball pythons are the teddy bears of snakes. You can buy them, imported from the wild in Africa, and they're very friendly pets. They're called "ball pythons" because they're very horny and try to get into your pants. No, that's not right. When they're frightened or threatened, they literally slither their way into the most compact "ball" possible. Notice how all the snakes move menacingly slowly, drawing out the suspense? Two reasons for that: One, they fed those rascals really well about three days before. They're not even hungry. Second, the set is air conditioned down to a low temperature. Poikilothermic critters get really sluggish when it's cold. (Oh, go look it up! Heh heh!). We had five ball pythons, so I know that species particularly well. They get up to about six feet long and a diameter of five inches, maybe more. And, as I said, they're quite strong. So, when people would visit and we'd shame them into handling one of the snakes, we'd wait until it got curled around their arm, then casually inform them "Oh, that one could break your arm easily, if it decided to." Then, the visitor next to that one, who has another ball python that's moved around the neck panics, screams, and proves once again that Stainmaster carpet is a good investment. It's all in the timing.

By the way, they DO love to crawl inside your clothes. They like your body heat. Which we eventually tell our guests.

You want to convince me that your snake movie has cojones? OK, bring in a REAL constrictor snake (No, not a damn anaconda. Don't see those movies, either). Impress me by bringing in an adult reticulated python. Oh, it's a non-poisonous constrictor snake. But this one could be thirty feet long, take sixteen men to carry, and it eats several goats at a time. Sometimes, they get in a pissy mood. Can they kill a human? You're damn right they can! However, the people that this happens to are almost always brainless Crocodile-Hunter-Wannabes who'll try to wrestle the snake, which makes them really pissy, and such a person could be squeezed into the consistency of that tube of toothpaste that you lost the cap for inside of 20 seconds. This is a process we call "natural selection."

"YOU! The idiot poking the 30 foot snake in the eye just to see what happens? OUT of the gene pool, NOW!"

So, that's the deal. I've just ruined the potential "suspense" in this celluloid morass for you. You know what? I feel fine about that. Because if you don't have anything better to do with your time and money than to go see this tripe? Do something more useful. Send all that money to ME. Why? Because I'm a nice guy. And I'm way behind in my yardwork, I could really use some help. In fact, why don't you come on down yourself? You can start on that big pile of branches & limbs left over from last year's hurricane season.

Do be careful though; I'm pretty sure there are some snakes living in there.

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Rick K said...

As with the rest of your posts, it makes me smile. I do wish you would write a bit more.

The Eye Wit said...

Why, thank you very much, indeed! I will try to oblige with more. I have one half-finished that I WAS going to post tonight.... except that the power flickered at just the wrong moment. It went back to half-finished.