Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Dear Craig Ferguson

(Note: This is an ongoing thing that I originally started writing on the Humor Me Online Forum, and you can find it here: Dear Craig Ferguson
You can get the idea of this post by checking out some of the history there, in which I, in my guise of the terminally corrupt Bucko, & Mariann Simms, the infamous Cadeaux & owner of Humor Me Online, rag on Craig for teasing us on the air and rail at him for not doing the right thing and hiring us. Me first!)

So, you're at it again, eh? Thought I wouldn't notice?

Tuesday night's show.... you literally STARE into the camera and say "dung beetle". NOBODY mentions a dung beetle out of thin air. Oh, but by a stunning coincidence, it's implied in the entries & referenced in the current winner of a Humor Me Online contest, Top Stu. COINCIDENCE?? I think not! Especially not the way you said it. You are messing with us again, man!

And then, THEN.... all the talk about mating animals, especially the frogs (and look, you really have to do something about this frog fetish of yours; you can't seem to stop talking about it). That was Monday & Tuesday. And just WHAT is the subject of the new story in the Mediacrity contest? HMMM?? Peoples' fascination with odd animal MATING FACTS. When did that new story go up? LAST SATURDAY. Listen, Smedley, that's MY contest. I appreciate you wanting to swipe from the best (heh heh.... Cadeaux gonna smite me for that), but come on, couldn't you at least mention our names?

You don't have to use the real ones.... if you mention "Bucko" and "Cadeaux", it'll be plenty damn clear that you're talking to us. Slip them in somewhere. After all, you're Craig Ferguson; who knows what Craig is going to say? Better yet, why don't you have us on your show? We'd be witty, weird, and I personally promise to show no restraint whatsoever. Besides, you owe me, Smedley; your sidekick player, who does the characters & accents & such? You might recall that I suggested it on the HMO Forum BEFORE you hired him. Go back & read it, Scotty; I clearly meant for you to hire ME. You oughta have some pity on a starving artist/actor. Is that too much to ask out of life? Is it? Did I mention that I know some people in Immigration & Naturalization?

Listen, Craig, the tips of the hat & the "inside" comments are great, keep them coming. It's neat, and Mariann gets all loopy when you allude to her or stuff on the site (though it's a bit hard to tell, due to her high endogenous level of loopitude). But consider, the two of us (and I'm the taller one, so you'd notice me first) are a respectable percentage of your national audience. You wouldn't want to disappoint us, now, would you? Of course not.

Look, there's plenty of great material we can provide to you on a regular basis. And remember, I'm taller, so you have to pick me first, just like the tallest kids always got picked in gym class in school. I'm sure you know how that goes. I can cyber-commute (no, there's nothing sexual involved in doing that, unless you ask. Nicely.) & save you a lot of money. Besides, unless I get to be the sidekick character guy like I deserve to be, I'm not keen on living in California. I may live in Hurricane Alley, but at least we know when one of the damn things is coming. I don't like the idea of living someplace where you need earthquake insurance. When you come home to your son at night, don't you want your home to be in the same place where it was when you left in the morning? You ought to give that some thought.

Or, use it in your opening monologue. At the very least, though, manage to say the word "Bucko" while you do it. I need all the self-esteem help I can get.

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